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Last updated on July 15th, 2023 at 06:13 pm
Tired of clutter? Here are a few ways you can communicate with your husband to help clean up.
I read a totally mindblowing and sad stat the other day: 30% of newly divorced people say they ended their relationship due to “disagreements about housework.” I’ve been asked how to get your husband to help clean, so this really matters in relationships.
Doing the mundane housework really matters in the scheme of things.
Maybe we need to shift our perspectives a bit. Doing chores and cleaning up the clutter isn’t really about us …it’s about the people we share our homes with.
But I know how it feels to have someone else’s clutter and messes driving you crazy. Back when my husband was in optometry school he would bring home little bits of paper with random notes and leave them all over our apartment. It drove me crazy!
And there were (and still are) things he wants to hang onto that I’d rather say goodbye to.
But we don’t argue over housework or clutter. We’ve found a way to balance things out and to do the little things around the house as acts of love for one another.
Here’s what we’ve done to agree on chores, deal with clutter, and balance our relationship happiness among our possessions.
01. We have fair game areas.
Clutter stresses me out and I naturally keep the clutter away. But Matthew isn’t like this. And you can’t change people. So you have to work with them.
Instead of trying to force him to clean up all his stuff every day, I compromise by being ok with his “messes” in designated places. And he compromises by keeping his stuff to these areas.
Remember all those little bits of paper I told you about? Eventually, I gave him an open box to throw all his papers and anything else he wanted inside it. He also has free reign over his nightstand, and he can drop his stuff in our “drop zone” when he comes in the house.
He can still be him and I can still be me. Compromising is the key.
02. I don’t jump on him about clutter and chores when he’s tired.
I used to jump all over him about doing things when he first got home. But after a couple of years into our 8 years of marriage, I realize that’s not such a good idea.
There are some things I don’t want to deal with when I’m tired. (I wish my kid understood this.) So I respect that there are things he doesn’t want to deal with either.
Instead, I wait until he’s had time to relax a little bit, then I gently make a request. (Asking nicely with appreciation makes a huge difference.) Then the timeline is up to him. Usually, I want it done now, but I know that makes him upset, so I’ve decided I’m ok with him doing it whenever he’s ready.
03. Gentle nudging and “I” statements
When “Tidying Up with Marie Kondo” came out on Netflix, Matthew was inspired to declutter all the boxes of family pictures from his mom’s house. So he brought all the boxes home and got started.
Then he got busy and stopped. And one of the boxes and a bag of trash just sat in our living room.
Wanting to keep the peace with him, I approached him on it saying something like, “Could you please move the box out of the living room if you don’t feel like working on it right now? It’s starting to make me feel anxious and I would feel better if it wasn’t there.”
This went over way better than telling him to do it because he moved the box for me, then was more conscious of it the next time he got to work on the project.
04. We know each other’s love languages.
Have you ever taken the 5 Love Languages Quiz? We took it last year, and it’s totally changed how we communicate.
I know that his Love Language is Words of Affirmation. Mine is Acts of Service. So we use those when it comes to doing stuff around the house.
He knows he scores points if he does something like loading the dishwasher or drying the dishes without me saying anything.
I know that if he does something for me that I need to thank him in a very loving way.
05. I offer to help.
Decluttering is overwhelming and uncomfortable. So if you want your spouse to declutter something of his and he keeps putting it off, offer to help.
After about a month, I’ll help Matthew declutter the papers he’s accumulated and the things on his nightstand. I’ll just show him each item and ask him if he wants it or not, so he doesn’t have to do that much, and I’m happy because the clutter’s gone.
06. I give things homes and label them.
Years ago, I used basic shoe totes to organize all our bathroom toiletries. I labeled each one for the different categories so we can easily find what we need. This is my husband’s favorite thing I’ve ever done. It makes both our lives easier because if I ask him to put something away, he knows where it goes. And if he needs something, he knows where to find it.
Giving every item a home and labeling where things go keeps clutter at bay and keeps peace in our marriage!
07. We share the load.
We’ve never really had a discussion about who does which chores around the house, but it’s a conversation I think we’d have if we needed it. Marriage is hard work, and part of the hard work is dividing the housework.
I take care of most of the cleaning and laundry, while he takes care of taking out the trash and doing yard work. However, we’ve both pitched in and done the chores the other one typically takes care of whenever necessary. Doing small things for each other goes a long way, and these are the actions that say, “I love you.”
It’s all about teamwork when it comes to getting my husband to help clean & declutter.
When it comes down to it, I’m on the same team as my husband. I want to work with him, not fight with him, to make our home a place where we can feel loved, happy, and relaxed. We’ve been able to compromise and make certain areas “fair game” to clutter. The most important thing we’ve done is to communicate with each other.
If you need to get started with decluttering to make it easier for your husband to help clean, download my free, where to start guide here.
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